Lost and Found
by cinithea
Summary: What if Rodney hadn't taken the large dose of Wraith enzyme in The Hive? Kinda pre-slashy on John's part if you look for it. Please read the warning in A/N in first chapter.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N This is AU. What might have happened if Rodney hadn't take the large dose of Wraith enzyme in The Hive? The first two chapters are from Sheppard's POV, and gives his part of the story. Rodney's POV is in the following chapters. _

_**!!Warnings!!**: Though it's not graphically described, it is clearly stated that rape occurs in the story. Please don't read if you are uncomfortable or disturbed by this. There is also some violence. _

_If you like the story please leave reviews. If you hate it, leave constructive criticism._

* * *

"Where the hell did they go?" John turned to Major Lorne. "Get to the gate and get me Zelenka. Now." He started to pace.

"John, might he not have gated somewhere on his own? The Alpha site, perhaps?" Teyla, of course, would try to reassure him. Unfortunately, he knew better.

"No. I had Lorne check. Look at this place." He pointed to the scattered remains of the camp. "They left, and it doesn't look like everyone went peacefully."

Ronon had been scouting around. "Nothing here. They left maybe two days ago."

"Let's hope Zelenka can get the gate address from the DHD." He waited, pacing and staring into the trees. When the little scientist finally arrived, he had to restrain the urge to lean over his shoulder. He couldn't help, however, asking how it was going... every ten minutes or so.

"Colonel Sheppard, Rodney may be able to work with you lurking like a large ape behind him, but I cannot. Please do not ask for progress reports every few minutes." He narrowed his eyes. "I will do everything I can do to retrieve the last fifty planets, but it will take some time."

"Fine. I'll go wait over here." He really didn't like to be idle. He leaned against a large tree and closed his eyes. If only he'd made them take Rodney along, or he'd insisted on Ford letting Rodney go. He should have made the Daedalus drop him at a Stargate and come back for him right away instead of going to Atlantis.

"Stop it." He opened his eyes to see Ronon standing in front of him.

"I should have made sure he could go back to Atlantis. Do you have any idea how hard it's going to be to find him if they want to stay hidden? Ford's men came from all over the galaxy. He could be anywhere." That was the big problem. Where was he? If Rodney hadn't gone willingly, and he was pretty sure he didn't, then they took him. If they took him, they weren't going to give him back. It would be up to them to find him. He just hoped they would. They had a whole galaxy to search.

"OK, I have them. Let us return to Atlantis so I can start going through this list." Radek stood and clutched his laptop to his chest. "I do not like leaving the labs."

Hours later, after post mission physicals and showers, they gathered for the briefing with Elizabeth. "Radek was able to narrow the list down to 32 planets. The other 18 have space gates." She gazed at him, and John met her stare, hoping his face was unreadable. It really wouldn't be good for everyone to see how close he was to exploding. His anger at himself was dangerously high.

"We will send teams to these planets, but it will take some time. In the meantime, I suggest you all get some rest."

John couldn't sleep, so he ran. He went to the mess and pushed some food around on his plate. He couldn't help but notice that it was one of the few meals that Rodney really enjoyed. He dropped his fork onto his plate with a clatter. A shadow fell over his table. Looking up, he tried to manage a smile. Teyla stood with a compassionate look on her face.

"John, why are you here alone?"

"Because I lost one of my best friends." Oops, didn't mean to let that just pop out. He sighed and backtracked. "I'm just a little tired."

"I do not believe he is dead. Neither should you."

"I didn't mean that he was... dead. I meant lost him as in it's my fault he is missing." He shrugged.

She tilted her head and gave him a small smile. "You did not misplace him, he was taken. We will find him, John." She laid a hand on his shoulder and squeezed. "We shall keep looking until we do."

He watched her walk away. Maybe someone would be in the gym. He could use a long sparring session.

Of course, Ronon would be there. Only two marines were training with him, but he easily downed them with only a few moves. As they joked good-naturedly, Ronon looked at him from lowered brows.

"Come to spar?"

"Yeah. Thought it might help me sleep." Sheppard stretched his muscles. They circled each other like two lions. He managed to dodge the fist that suddenly appeared in front of his face.

"Don't do this to yourself."

John twisted his lips and landed a blow to Ronon's back. "I'm not doing anything." That's right. He's safe on Atlantis while Rodney was God knew where. "I left him there, Ronon. I barely spared him a thought the whole time we were gone."

"We had other things to worry about."

"Yeah, being on a Wraith hive ship is something to worry about." He didn't quite manage to block the strike to his side, and his breath wooshed out. "But after that? I didn't even really think about him while we were on the Daedalus. It never occurred to me to wonder what he was doing."

"You were mourning your friend."

"No. I spent the time thinking that I messed up." John tried to land a hit, but Ronon was too fast. "I was worried about what I was going to tell Elizabeth, about telling Ford's family that he was dead. I wasn't worried about McKay."

"You let it eat at you, you won't be any good to anyone." Ronon's leg swept him off his feet. "Trust that we'll find him."

"Yeah?" John was angry. He stared at the outstretched hand. "That sounds like faith. You have any faith left, really? 'Cause I don't." Miracles happened here, when McKay did the impossible. They didn't happen just because.

"You don't leave your people behind, remember?"

He lashed out, rage suddenly draining away. "But I did, didn't I? I left him there, and now we have no idea where he is." Unspoken was the possibility that Rodney was dead. No, he would not believe that until he touched his corpse.

"We'll get him back." Ronon sounded absolutely certain. "If not, we'll at least find the men who took him." Ah, keep looking, if we find Rodney, and he's dead, the least we can do is kill the men who took him.

John knew he had it in him. He'd done it before, allowed men to die because they were a threat to people he cared about. He'd killed men for that. He would take life or give his own for Atlantis and her people, but a select few were different.

His team was probably the sum and total of those who really knew him- and loved him anyway. For them, he would suspend his own moral code. He would not lose any of them. If he did, this galaxy would find out just how dangerous he could be.

888888888888

It was almost six weeks before Elizabeth finally asked John for a private word. "You knew we couldn't keep up the search indefinitely. We'll offer some rewards, ask all the teams and any allies we have to keep their eyes and ears open for information about Rodney. But we have to go back to searching for new trade agreements and alliances."

"It hasn't even been long enough to follow up on half the leads, yet."

"We can't spare the man-power. The Daedalus helps, but you know we need to find enough food for everyone in Atlantis." Her look was understanding. "I miss him, too. We all do. We've done all we can, now we have to move forward."

"Well it sucks." Sheppard met her eyes. "

She looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, John."

He turned and walked away without a word. His sense of failure pressed in on him from all sides, but moved through it. He had too many responsibilities left to give in to his self-recrimination. He'd damned well do his duty more thoroughly from now on.

0000000000000

It was two months after losing Rodney that Lorne sought him out. Apparently, he was making the marines nervous. They were worried about his stability. He was too angry, too unpredictable. He was pushing them too hard. He penalized them ruthlessly when he felt they allowed any civilian to be placed in danger. John made it a point to require all civilians to learn basic marksmanship and gun safety, as well as self-defense.

His constant watchfulness created a level of tension between Sheppard and the rest of the expedition that had never been there before. They worried that he was becoming too cautious, he worried they weren't careful enough. It had finally come to a head when several marines offered informal complaints to the 2IC. Lorne had tracked him down to explain and request that if Sheppard couldn't stop riding them so hard, could he take a few days off, at least.

Sheppard looked at Lorne. "I'm fine."

"Sir, part of my job is to give you back-up. If you need the help, I have to get you help." Lorne frowned at him.

"I'll be fine. I am fine." Sheppard twisted his lips. "But I'll take a few days off, if it will make you happy."

But he wasn't fine. He ran through the halls of Atlantis, running until he was exhausted. He couldn't shake the guilt, the sense of blame that he knew lay squarely on his own shoulders. He took a week off, then two. Teyla and Ronon spent time with him, thought they carefully avoided mentioning their missing team member. Seeing the worried and distrustful looks he was receiving from most everyone made him spend the day in his room, thinking. He made an appointment with Kate.

0000000009

It was three months later that John was finally convinced to choose a new scientist for his team. Radek adamantly refused, looking angry at the suggestion. SGA-1 tried out nearly a dozen other scientists, and either he found them lacking or they refused to go off-world with his team again. Amidst complaints from both Sheppard and the scientists, he'd felt both Elizabeth and his team giving him concerned looks. He retreated to his room to calm down and think.

After talking to Kate, he finally he allowed an engineer by the name of Rollins to take the position, though he made it understood that unless Rodney came back physically unable to go off-world (and he also made it clear that Rodney would be back) the position was only temporary.

Rollins wasn't incompetent, but he wasn't nearly a scientist of Rodney's caliber. Barely out of his twenties, he lacked the wonder and excitement the older man had. He was intimidated by John, Ronon and Teyla. There was no banter or friendly insults. He obeyed orders instantly, even if they were wrong. And he had no sense of humor. John missed his friend.

John knew that he had to lower his expectations. No one was going to be like Rodney. He'd give the man a chance. It wasn't like Rodney was coming back.


	2. Chapter 2

John was going to kill someone. Dr. Rollins. They'd gone to investigate a hidden Ancient lab. Everything looked safe, Rollins assured him, nothing here, but when they entered the cave, some kind of barrier had come up around the whole thing. Even under their feet. Not even air could penetrate.

After stuttering that he might have noticed _very_ slight fluctuations in the power readings, Rollins had panicked, crying about his worst nightmare being death by suffocation. When the man had actually begun to sob, "We're going to die!" over and over, John had moved as far from the man as he could go. John was seriously going to hurt him.

They had finally convinced the crying man to sit quietly by pointing out that he was using more oxygen than he needed to. He couldn't figure out how to turn it off, and they couldn't blow their way out of a force sheild. So they sat to wait for help.

They spoke little, sharing water and power bars. They took shifts to keep watch because, really, even though they were in a cave and nothing could get in, this was the Pegasus galaxy. You just never knew what the Ancients left lying around. It was only a few days, but it seemed like weeks. Finally, they heard a short crackle, and the bluish glow faded. They lost no time in exiting the cave.

Aah, fresh air! He took a second to breath, then started towards the jumpers. Lorne and Carson were telling him to stop, but he really, really wanted to go home. Get away from Rollins. Take a shower, eat a hot meal. Sleep. When Ronon yelled, he pulled up his weapon and scanned the area. He didn't see anything, and turned to ask Ronon what he'd seen, but the Satedan was holding someone tight.

He staggered, would have fallen if Cadman hadn't grabbed his elbow. Rodney! He's here. "Jesus Rodney!" He's alive.

He reached the two men just as Teyla did. They both tried to add their arms to Ronon's. John gaped when Rodney lurched backwards with a look of terror on his face..

"No, no. Wait. I need a bit of space." Rodney looked different. He was thinner, and his face bore traces of bruising. There were scrapes and small cuts on his face and neck. John also didn't overlook the sling or crutches. The scientist had lost weight, too.

But what really held him was the look in Rodney's eyes. They were haunted, hurt, afraid. It hit him like a fist. Rodney had been hurt. All his hope that he'd been somewhere waiting, safe, or that he'd had amnesia or something disappeared. Someone had hurt his friend. Because he hadn't done his damned job. His anger at himself rose and he gripped his weapon to keep from screaming.

He watched as Teyla touched her forehead to his, then hugged him. Rodney looked uncomfortable at the physical touch, but soon her aura of peace calmed him. He couldn't look away.

Rodney looked at him. "What?" If he could see how much of what he felt was revealed in his face, he knew the Canadian would die of embarrassment.

"You look like shit. Where've you been?" John wanted to take it back, really, but he didn't know what to say and it just came out. What did you do when someone practically came back from the dead? It was wonderful, and it hurt.

"Is that what you say to me after all this? No 'glad to see you' or 'we missed you'? Hey, you didn't even thank me! You do realize that I had to drag myself from the infirmary to save you from death?" God, Rodney looked hurt. But it was still him, still _Rodney_.

Desperately trying to control his emotions, he said with a smirk and a shrug, "We'll talk about that once you get _back_ to the infirmary."

Carson interrupted, telling Rodney it was time to go back to the jumper. And he couldn't take his eyes off the man the whole time. He said nothing until he noticed Rodney start to breath funny, and he was looking around the cargo bay wildly. "Rodney?" He didn't think the man even heard him. When the Canadian collapsed, he leaped forward. Feeling his heart pound, he yelled, "Hey, Carson? There's something wrong with Rodney!"

9999999999999

They waited in the hallway. Ronon and Teyla kept sending him looks that he was too worried to pay attention to. Until Ronon gave him a look.

"What?"

"We need to talk." Ronon pulled them a little off to the side so they could talk privately.

Teyla laid a hand on his arm. "We need to talk to you about Rodney."

John narrowed his eyes. "Why? Know something I don't?" He straightened from his slouch. Oh shit, that look said they did, and it was bad. "What is it?"

Ronon, always blunt, said, "We think the men had sex with him."

"Huh? Rodney wouldn't do that, he doesn't like men that way." He knew that, not that it was something he ever thought of. Nor was it something that would bother him. It took a second of both his teammates staring at him with brows raised until he understood. He sagged against the wall again. "Of course he wouldn't. Not willingly." So, now the pieces fit all together now.

"We think you should speak to him."

Was Teyla crazy? "Me. Talk. That's a really bad idea.."

"John, you are closer to him than anyone else, save Carson, and I imagine he has already spoken to him. He needs to know that we are here for him." She looked to Ronon, who twitched his head in agreement.

"Why can't you talk to him?" Teyla would be a much better choice.

"I do not think Rodney would be comfortable talking to me of this. And I think, perhaps, he already knows my opinion of him would not change." Teyla smiled with a hint of disgust. "Your people are not so understanding of such things."

When John looked at Ronon, the big man lowered his head and his lips quirked up. OK, so Ronon wasn't going to do it.

"Fine. I'll talk to him. But don't blame me if I do it wrong."

((((00

He did it wrong. It was more than wrong. He managed to hit every nerve the man had. He said the wrong things. Talking was not his area of expertise, and it showed. But in the end, he and Rodney were good. Well, Rodney seemed fine. John couldn't believe how light he felt knowing that Rodney didn't blame him. He wasn't totally blameless, but hey, he'd been worried that Rodney would want him strung up from the Stargate.

It was be a long, hard road Rodney had to walk, but he did it. And the team gave him whatever they could. Time, patience and, yeah, ok, Teyla mothered him. She fussed over him while he was restricted from duty, teaching him a game of strategy played by the Athosians. She made him a calming tea each morning, and accompanied him to his physical therapy.

John and Ronon treated him like they would any soldier injured in the line of duty.

When Ronon cut the scientist's meat was just polite assistance because Rodney's injuries made it hard for him to use his left hand. He always found it funny that just as Rondey would sit across from them, Ronon would rumble, produce a knife and quickly reduce the food to small, baby-sized pieces. Rodney would scowl at him, but them comment on how nice it was to know that they finally appreciated him.

Ronon had become Rodney's constant shadow. The Canadian had lost weight, so it made sense for them to make sure he ate enough. Since Ronon liked food as much as Rodney, he was the most likely choice. He wouldn't explain his sudden love of the labs, though, but Rodney seemed to appreciate it.

John checked on Rodney in the night, sometimes. He worried about something, though he never really thought about it too hard. Kate said it was understandable, but that he might want to eventually tell Rodney. He never told him.

John kept Rodney company in the evenings, sitting on the balcony. They didn't talk, and finally one night, as he looked at his friend, he knew they'd all be fine.


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N What if Rodney hadn't taken the big dose of Wraith enzyme and escaped from Ford's men in The Hive? _

_The rest of this story is told from Rodney's POV. We already saw Sheppard's, though it was much shorter. I think this was because most of what was happening in the story happened to Rodney. Plus, it's hard for me to write from John's POV.  
_

* * *

Rodney leaned against the wall of the cave. The tether on his ankle pulled tight as he drew his legs closer in an attempt to warm himself. He ignored the pain where it had rubbed the skin. He ignored the rough stone, scraping his shoulder and cheek. He closed his eyes, imagining that he was back on Atlantis. Back with his team. They would be in the mess, taking food from each other's trays without a thought. It would be an ordinary day. Maybe they'd discuss the new arrivals from Earth. He and John would point someone out to the others. Maybe Rodney would complain about one of the native cultures. He pictured Teyla's face pinch with irritation at his lack of tact. Ronon would be baring his teeth in amusement. Elizabeth would smile a genuine smile and admonish him to be polite. And Sheppard? Sheppard would give him that look, the one that said, "_Behave for now, but when the grown-ups leave, we can go back to having fun." _

He absently raised his hand and used a small pebble to scratch another mark on the wall. There were 49 marks. He'd been on this planet that many days at least, though he wasn't sure exactly how many (some days he'd been beaten so badly, he hadn't been able to mark the wall). This was the longest they'd stayed in one place. This was the fifth planet. He estimated that he'd been a prisoner for over half an Earth year. All this time, and he was alone. Living a nightmare. He hadn't even had the hope that he'd be rescued. He knew the others were dead.

When they hadn't returned from the hive ship when they were supposed to, Ford's men had gated to another planet and left him with another camp of enzyme users. From there, they'd gone to another, where he'd nearly escaped. The third planet had been bad, with the inhabitants chasing them to the gate, slinging arrows until they'd gone through the wormhole. The last one, well, Rodney didn't' even want to remember that stay.

So they'd come here to live in a cave. Rodney didn't know the gate address, but it seemed to be a sparsely populated planet. He hadn't seen anyone else. Of course, it wasn't like they let him out of here. No, he only saw daylight from a distance when the sun was just rising, when the rays bounced around the cave entrance.

He hated this place. He was slowly going crazy, nothing to do, no one to talk to, living in fear. He was in constant pain. The others didn't even see him as human. They ordered him around, but it wasn't like they conversed. They gave him the enzyme, but only enough to keep him addicted. And, he thought, alive. He had been useful to them, on occasion fixing weapons, DHDs and using Ancient devices. They were keeping him around for now but that didn't stop the constant beatings, torture or ... other things.

He was stronger than he used to be, but not as strong as them. And he definitely wasn't as skilled as they were. He'd tried to fight, but it soon became clear that he couldn't win with force. There were only three of them, but they were three large men taking large amounts of Wraith enzyme. In the beginning there were closer to a dozen, but on trips to get more enzyme, they'd lost the others. He settled down to sleep, hearing the echo of Carson's voice telling him, "Rest, you need to regain your strength."

00000000

Days passed. He was up to 57 marks. He didn't think he'd missed any days, but sometimes it was hard to tell. This planet was relatively safe, meaning boring, so the men had little to entertain themselves but him. He didn't think he'd live much longer. He really hoped he didn't, at least. And they kept anything he could kill himself with far from his reach. He let out a chuff of air. Suicide watch in the Pegasus galaxy, he thought, pulling on the rope tied to his ankle. He might be miserable, he might be helpless, but he wouldn't do that. Ronon hadn't done it as a Runner, and he thought Ronon would tell him that as long as he was alive he could wait for an opportunity. The three men looked over at him. He tried to hold himself still, so they'd lose interest.

He called the men Big, Ugly and Mean. Big was descriptive of the man who was a sort-of leader. He had to be even taller than Ronon, and he was definitely bulkier. Even without the enzyme he might have been able to take the Satedan. Ugly had a nasty scar splitting his face from eyebrow to chin. Mean, well, no elaboration necessary. He was the smallest of them, and the most vicious. He enjoyed hurting Rodney. Most of his serious injuries were because of him. The other two, he thought, did it just because he was there. Except Big, but he cut off that line of thought.

If he did ever manage to escape, he'd have some valuable intel. He could tell Elizabeth, for example, not to trade for the greenish root vegetable shaped like a heart. It would kill half the population of Atlantis. He knew not to go to planets with the white creeping ivy (it had large blue flowers whose pollen was a powerful hallucinogen). See, valuable.

By listening, he learned that the men had killed several Wraith that had been scouting the area around this planet's gate. The enzyme made them nearly as strong as Wraith, and the primitive villagers had seen them win the skirmish. He snorted. That was one of the reasons he disliked these one-step-up-from-Neanderthal planets. Setting up a bunch of drug addicts as gods.

He learned that the population was small because the Wraith had visited recently. The winter season was approaching, and the land totally would totally freeze over. The natives had a large building that they all lived in during the cold season. Mean wanted to just kill the people and move into the structure. Ugly argued that then they would have to provide their own food. Big said they were going to leave the planet altogether. Big won in the end, as he always did, and he celebrated by abusing Rodney yet again. Big was the only one who did that, the others always finding willing women in the small village. But Big apparently liked using an unwilling man. And with the idiots who populated the planet practically worshiping them, the scientist was the only unwilling man around. Lucky him.

The men packed up the belongings worth taking, slinging the pack onto Rodney's sore back- so now he was a pack mule?- and headed towards the gate. He tried to see the gate address, but Mean stepped into his line of sight with a smirk. Rodney dropped his eyes. He knew better than to try to stare down the man.

Again, Rodney allowed his mind to drift. He could escape this for a little while. He pretended that his team was with him, ready to gate home to Atlantis from a mostly successful mission. He'd say something witty, John would grin at him and Teyla would turn away to hide a smile. Ronon would stare, and say, "That's stupid, McKay." Elizabeth would be waiting in the briefing room to hear all about the trip off-world, and Beckett would cluck over small injuries. He even imagined Radek, the little Czech telling him about the technology that had needed fixing while he was gone.

He wondered who was head of security in Atlantis now? Maybe Caldwell had gotten the position finally. Maybe Elizabeth had pulled strings to have Major Lorne take over for Sheppard. There might even be someone totally new running the military contingent.

A hard shove pulled his mind to the present. "Get through the gate!" Ugly shoved him again. His pronounced brow-bone lent him an air of menace. The heavy brows shadowed his eyes so that he always seemed to be hiding something. He limped to the gate and stepped through.

At first, he almost believed himself to be on Lantea. As far as he could see, there was ocean. He savored the sound of the water and the slight tang of salt in the air. Looking around, he could see that the gate was at the top of a mountain, and in the other direction lay a heavily forested area.

"We go down to the settlement and see whether we stay. You," Big pointed at Mean, "Stay with McKay."

As the men walked towards the camp, he felt his stomach clench. Ugly sidled closer to him, and Rodney felt his rank breath on his cheek. "I should probably warn you that I know this place. So don't try to get any help."

Like he'd try that again, he almost snorted. Last time he'd tried to enlist help from a native, the man had immediately notified Big and he'd nearly been killed. He suddenly realized this was the first time he was untied with only one of them. They seldom untied him, and when they did, they kept at least two with him. Should he make a move? The gate was just behind him, he could gate somewhere safe. Well, relatively safe. He could go to the planet with the kids, the planet where they'd found Ronon or even the planet with the Iratus bugs. Hell, he'd be safer on the Genni planet. No, the kids. Licking his lips and closing his eyes for a moment, he suddenly let loose a swing towards the man's face. His damaged hand connected with Mean's face, and he felt the bone snap. His? Mean's? He didn't know, but Mean didn't go down. He laughed.

"About time! I thought we knocked all the fight out of you!" He grabbed Rodney's arm and swung him to the ground.

A solid kick landed in the middle of his chest. Mean smashed his foot into Rodney's knee, and he screamed. He curled up as best he could, grateful for the pack that protected his back. His arms and legs and hands, however, received the brunt of the kicks.

Mean hauled him to his feet. He saw a gleam in the black eyes that he only usually saw in Big's . Oh, no, no, no. Not going to happen. He struggled and tried to ignore the pain in his bleeding hands. Sending his fingers deep in the man's face, he gagged as he felt the skin tear.

Rodney's arms jerked back as the pack was torn from him. He fell to the ground, crying out as his damaged knee hit the hard earth. Rolling to the side, he avoided Mean's foot, but the man managed a hard kick to the side of his head. He lay there dazed for a few seconds, staring at the clouds in the sky. He blinked a few times when he was rolled back to his stomach. The dirt was gritty on his face and he felt the wetness of blood trickling down his jaw.

He went away again, sitting in the seat next to Sheppard. The jumper flew back from the mainland during the night. He imagined them arguing over something silly, like why Americans called it football when they hardly used their feet in the game. Their banter would be both annoying and amusing to Teyla and Ronon. The stars would be clear in the sky, while in the distance the horizon glowed softly. It was a good dream.

Mean lay along Rodney, panting. Rodney didn't bother to move when Mean rose and nudged him with a foot. "Get up."

Rodney lay still, feeling the last of his hope flee in the face of his helplessness. He was finished. Let them kill him. He wouldn't move. "No."

Mean squatted down next to him, and whispered, "Don't you want the enzyme? If you get up, I'll give you some."

His breathing hitched. Oh God! He wanted it. He could feel his body start to vibrate with need. Sweat beaded on his forehead, and he shivered. Yes, he needed it. He had to have it. Disgusted with himself, he managed to drag himself to one knee, the other resting awkwardly on the ground. Mean grabbed him under the arm and hauled him up. He groaned as he put some weight on his injured leg, but it was when he felt a trickle run down the inside of his thigh that he began to silently cry.

Mean prepared the needle and roughly jammed it into Rodney's arm. He felt the rush, but it was stronger than it had ever been. He looked at Mean with big eyes.

"Yeah, nice big dose for you. Gotta make sure you can make it out of here." He wished they'd never heard of the enzyme. Clutching his pants with one hand, he raised the other to cover his eyes.

Big and Ugly ran up the side of the hill. "We can't stay here. Open the gate to another planet." Big narrowed his eyes at Rodney, who stood with his pants barely covering him, bleeding and bruised. He turned his furious stare towards Mean. "We talked about this. You were told to leave him be. He's mine."

Mean sneered, blood drying on his face from the gouges Rodney'd made. "Not anymore."

Big waited a beat, then brought his gun up. He shot the man in the forehead. "We have to go. There are Lanteans here."

The scientist stilled. His first thought had been Sheppard. No, he was dead. So someone else. Who? Did it matter? If he could just get away, get to the settlement, get to help! Sheppard would take this chance. Before he had time to think it through, he jerkily headed toward the hill. The enzyme gave him strength, like nothing he'd ever felt. He could make it if he just kept going. He heard the men yell out at him, but kept going. He slid in places, brush and rocks tearing at his skin. He kept going. He was finding it hard to breath, and his knee screamed with every step, but he kept going. They were following, and were gaining on him.

No, he wasn't going back. He was getting away. One way or another. If he died, at least he would be free. He wouldn't die with one of them sweating over him, or their fists beating him. He could hear their pounding feet so close behind. He was not going with them! With one final lunge, he threw himself down the hill and began to roll.


	4. Chapter 4

He awoke to the sound of hushed whispers. Quiet though the noise was, it still hurt. Groaning, Rodney opened his eyes. Everything was blurry, but he saw two small faces peered at him through the leaves. Neither looked to be older than twelve. Of course. Children. That was the way the universe tormented him. Why couldn't he be saved by armed soldiers- _friendly_ armed soldiers?

"Help, please," he managed to croak out. They stared at him with big dark eyes.

He tried again. "Help me, please."

They began to discuss him. "Maybe we should bring father?" "Do you think he will die?" "Should we tell the Lanteans?"

"Lanteans?" He latched onto the word. He gasped out, "Yes, Lanteans!"

"If you try to hurt us, they'll shoot you with their weapons." The younger one declared with what he was certain was an evil glare.

"Hurt you?" He laughed weakly, wincing at movement. "I can't even move my head, how would I get up and move?"

"You wish us to tell them you are here?"

Tears slipped from his eyes and he nodded. "They... I'm Lantean." God, he hurt. It felt as if he'd damaged every part of his body. He knew he at least had a concussion from his vision and the faint nausea.

The children whispered to each other, then finally the older one told him, "We will bring them to you. Do not move.

The children left him, and he stared up at the leaves above him. He ran through the past events and couldn't make sense of it. The last thing he remembered was throwing himself forward. They had been right behind him. How was it that the men hadn't captured him? He could hear birds chirping, and some small rustles in the leaves of the trees above him. A louder rustling caused him to tense and he started to move. A face loomed over him, and he flinched. He tried to roll over, to get away.

"Dr. McKay?! Oh, shit! Clark, get the med kit! Moore, call Atlantis! Tell them we have a medical emergency! Go! Be still, Doc."

He knew that voice. Major Lorne! He knew this man! He would help him! Major Lorne would take him home. He clutched the black vest in front of him and pulled himself to the soldier, clinging to him as he shook. He was crying and laughing, all at once not feeling the pain of his injuries.

He felt the hands on him, pulling him away from the man. NO! No, no, no, no, no! He fought those hands, sobbing, screaming. "Don't leave me! Don't leave me!"

He didn't feel the prick of a needle in his leg, nor the gentle hand on his forehead. But he heard the voice. "Hey, no. We won't leave you, Doc. Calm down, we're here, we're not going anywhere without you."

He felt the men moving around him, securing him to a stretcher. He moaned as they lifted him. Every movement jarred his injuries. His hand twitched weakly, barely making a movement, but someone noticed. His hand was gently enfolded in another. He opened his eyes to see Lorne looking down at him. "Don't worry, we'll be there soon and Doctor Beckett'll take care of you." He closed his eyes again, and let himself fall away.

The next thing he became aware of were hands. He struggled to open his eyes, to raise his hands to the thing over his face. He felt weary, but his nerves were raw. Where was he?

"Rodney?" A soft voice, a voice from home. "Carson, come in here!"

He cracked his eyes, sliding them towards the person sitting there. Elizabeth, who looked tired and worn, was sitting next to him. His confused mind took a moment to figure out where he was and why. The sound of monitors registered, but he was focused on her face. Was this a dream? He had used memories and daydreams to escape reality; he wasn't sure where he was. Rodney decided he was too tired to worry about it right now.

)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Feeling warm was a novel experience for him. Feeling safe was even more so. He frowned. Atlantis. So it was real. He savored the softness of the pillow and the comfort of the bed for a moment. He heard a murmur and lifted his lids. Radek was talking quietly on his headset. He took a moment to savor the sight. Who'd have thought watching the wild-haired scientist would make Rodney feel so happy. When the other man looked his way, he actually dropped his laptop.

"Rodney!" A smile lit up his face. "We are so glad to have you back."

"Thank you." His voice cracked. Radek did look almost overjoyed to see him. "It's good to see you."

"You would like ice chips? Here, let me help you." Radek reached out grabbed a spoon. Rodney couldn't see, but he knew Carson made sure that every patient had ice chips and water ready for them. It was one of his little ways of providing comfort in a harsh place.

The ice felt like heaven as it melted on his tongue. He swished it around his dry mouth, feeling the gap where Mean had knocked out one of his molars. Well, all in all it was a small thing, so he didn't worry overmuch about it. He had other things to worry about. Like the too low level of toxin in his blood.

"I will call Dr. Beckett." Radek was up and gone before Rodney could tell him to stay. He started to feel anxious.

He wasn't alone long, however. Carson came in, looking eager and worried at the same time. It was an expression he'd missed. "Rodney! I'm glad to see you awake finally." Radek hovered near the foot of the bed as the doctor checked the readings on the monitors.

Rodney let his eyes speak for him. Trying to tell Carson how grateful he was to be here, how much he had missed them. Ask him for some enzyme.

"Well, I'm happy to tell you that you should be fine. No life-threatening injuries." He glanced at Radek. "I need to speak to Rodney in private, so if you could wait outside..."

Radek started and retrieved his laptop, which he'd left on the floor. "I must go to make sure idiot scientists are not going to blow up labs. And look at mountains of reports. I will return later. It is good that you are back. I hate your job."

"Now, Rodney. I need to discuss your injuries." The Scot looked at the chart in his hand. "You have a dislocated knee, and some broken fingers, but they should heal just fine. You suffered a minor concussion. There were some lacerations, it looks like when you fell off the cliff-"

"I went over a cliff?" Oh, that must have happened as he was rolling down the hill. "Never mind." He knew where Carson was headed by the uncomfortable look on his face.

"There was bruising all over you, some older, some recent. And the lesion on your ankle was infected, but we've got you on some broad spectrum antibiotics. The more...personal... injuries are healing fine, and all the tests we've taken have been clean."

"How long?"

"Since Major Lorne found you? Oh, you've been back for about 24 hours. Elizabeth was damn happy to see you." Carson smiled. "I think you need some rest. Your blood pressure is a bit high, as is you temperature, so..."

"Carson...Do you have any Wraith enzyme?"

The doctor stared. "Why no, Rodney." Sudden understanding lit the doctor's eyes. His face darkened. "Are ye telling me ye've been taking enzyme all this time? Are you bloody daft?"

"Not like I had a choice." He could feel the want. Keep your mind focused. Think of other things. Instead, what he said was, "Carson, I need it."

Helplessly, Carson held out his hands. "Rodney..."

"I need that enzyme!" He hadn't meant to yell, but he was feeling panicked. He knew what happened when someone didn't get the enzyme. If you were lucky you died quickly.

"Rodney, you don't. We'll get you through this." He laid a hand on Rodney's arm. "I'll help you."

As the day wore on, Rodney's grew more and more agitated. He managed to sleep a little, but he would wake cold, hot, burning, sweating, shaking. He didn't ask about anyone, he didn't talk to anyone. He felt anger well up. Carson was keeping him like this. He knew how to get the enzyme, he just didn't want to give him any.

By the time Carson came to check his vitals, Rodney was practically enraged. "You want me to suffer! You didn't want me back here! You're jealous because I'm so much smarter than you."

"Rodney, stop." Carson looked at him with his false expression of compassion. His body was burning, and Carson wasn't doing anything for him.

"No, you can't stand the thought that I'm better than you." Oh God, he needed the enzyme! Why wasn't anyone helping him?

He lunged up at the him, only to find that sometime during the day, he'd been secured in restraints. "Oh, that's great, tie me up. Like I'm not used to that." he lashed out with the only weapon he had left. Words.

"I spent most of the last six months tied up. Like a dog. Do you think this scares me? Bigger and better men than you, Carson." Rodney was screaming now. "I hate you, do you hear me? I won't let you kill me!"

"Calm down. No one's trying to kill you." Carson tried giving him an ice chip. "I'm trying to help you!"

"You don't understand. You can't help me." Images of Big holding him down crowded all other thoughts from his mind. "I don't want this! I won't let you do it! You won't touch me! Just kill me!"

"Rodney, I know you don't mean any of this." He said some other things, but Rodney refused to listen.

He slowly retreated into his daydreams, but they weren't the ones he wanted. His mind took a sharp twist as the pain burned through him. He was locked in the hell of his mind, reliving his captivity. The times he'd been beaten, raped, starved. He felt the cuffs holding him almost immobile and tasted blood in his mouth. His words of hatred and rage slowly garbled until he was screaming, and howling.

He had periods of almost lucidity, when he knew where he was, but not why he was there. Those times he just begged to be let free, to be able to sit up, to be given the enzyme. He berated the nurses, cursed the doctors. He moaned and cried. They didn't understand how it felt. Every minute was a torturous hell. Every movement was pain. They just didn't know. Finally, he exhausted himself and fell into a dark, fitful sleep.

He opened his eyes, but closed them immediately. Oh, God, the light hurt. He felt like crap. He was stiff, sore and his throat ached. He tried to raise his arm but found it wouldn't move. A moment of panic, then he remembered. He groaned. Leave it to Rodney McKay to finally make it home, then ruin it all.

"Are you awake, then?"

He looked into the face of Carson Beckett. He wasn't sure what to say, since Carson was looking at him with concern and his usual caring. He felt his chin quiver. Oh. My. God. He was going to cry. Again. He could feel the tears running down his face. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean anything I said. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

The doctor hurriedly unstrapped Rodney's arms and ankles. He sat on the bed next to him. "Don't be an idiot. I'm your friend. I know it wasna you." He pulled Rodney into a sitting position. "The drug is finally out of your system, and you're lucky you're still alive. Your heart stopped several times. You nearly died." For Carson to say it so bluntly told Rodney just how close it had been.

Rodney turned to him, reaching an arm around Carson's waist. "I'm so glad to be home."

"Rodney, where have you been all this time?"

Pulling away, he looked at Carson. "Ford's men took me. They kept me prisoner, they..." He looked at his lap.

"Oh, Rodney. I know what they did to you. I did have to do a thorough examination." The doctor paused. "We couldn't find you, anywhere."

"When... the others... didn't come back, they took me through the gate. Uh, they moved me to several different planets."

"What were you doing on Miravel?" Carson reached a hand over and took Rodney's pulse.

"Was that it's name? Well. They wanted to avoid winter on the previous planet. We'd only just arrived when they said there were Lanteans. I figured it was my best chance to get away. There wouldn't be anyone who would run and tell them where I was." He couldn't help the bitterness in his voice. He swallowed, making sure his voice didn't shake. "By the way, I'd like to see Major Lorne." He wanted to thank him. He doubted the man would ever know how Rodney had felt when he'd seen Lorne.

Carson gathered the items needed to take a sample of Rodney's blood. "Oh, well, he's off-world. Seems Colonel Sheppard's got himself into a little fix. Lorne took Radek to see if he could help him. As soon as he returns, I'll send him to see you. "

The blood left Rodney's head, and he felt as if he couldn't breathe. "Sheppard?" He managed in a reedy voice.

"Aye. Rodney? What is it, man?" Carson grabbed an oxygen mask from the wall. "Slow down your breathing! Carrie, get me the sedative! Rodney, stop it! You're going to hurt yourself! And breathe, damn it!"

As the sedative worked its way into Rodney's system, he kept thinking, Sheppard's alive, Sheppard's alive. Carson's lips were moving, but the sound of waves drowned him out. He leaned close to him, too close. He felt as if he wasn't getting enough air. Was he suffocating? He panicked. He was vaguely aware of people rushing around him, voices and sounds frantic. His last thought was to wonder if Teyla and Ronon were alive, too.


	5. Chapter 5

Elizabeth and Carson were both there when he returned to consciousness. They were playing some kind of card game. He licked his lips and called out. "Sheppard?"

"Hello, Rodney." Elizabeth made it to his side first. She smiled widely at him. "It's so very good to see you."

"Rodney! How are ye feeling?" Carson immediately came to check the readings from the monitors.

"Tired, hurts a bit. Glad to be here." Rodney smiled crookedly.

"I can imagine." Elizabeth said, laying a hand on his arm. He couldn't help but think, _No, you really don't. Thank God._

"Right. Did you say Sheppard is in some kind of trouble?" At their nods, he closed his eyes. His voice trembled when he spoke."And Teyla, Ronon? Are they alive, too?"

"Bloody Hell! Did you think they weren't?" When Rodney's eyes answered for him, Carson cursed. "I'm sorry, Rodney. I had no idea you thought they were dead. And I just blurted it out like..."

As Carson shook his head in self-recrimination, Elizabeth took his hand. ""Yes, they are. You were the one we couldn't find. And they looked for you so hard, but there just wasn't any trace of you."

Rodney couldn't process the emotions right now. "What kind of fix has Sheppard gotten himself into now?"

"We aren't sure. They made the first scheduled check-in, saying they'd found an Ancient lab." Elizabeth paused. "They didn't make the second or third checks. We sent Lorne and Radek out to make sure everything was alright."

"How long ago was this? First you all neglect to tell me they're alive, then you don't tell me they've gone missing?" His head was spinning. "Did you tell them I was back?"

"They left the morning we brought you home. We had planned to tell them when they dialed Atlantis, but..." Elizabeth shook her head.

"How long have I been here? How long since Radek left?" His mind sped along possibilities. Ancient biological weapons, booby traps, virtual reality machines that sucked you in. Of all the things he could think of, none was pleasant.

"Three days, Rodney. And- What are you doing? Get back in that bloody bed!" Carson placed his hand in Rodney's chest. Ignoring Rodney's tense stillness, he gently, but very firmly, pushed him back down. "You are in no condition to leave this bed."

"Radek is not nearly as brilliant as I when it comes to Ancient tech." He waved his hand at them, trying to sound as if he was in control. "Yes, yes, I know he's had six months to brush up, but he's not me." He saw his argument wasn't softening them up. "Look, I just found out they weren't sucked dry by a Wraith. I don't know what is going on, I will have to deal with this whole thing all over again if something goes wrong. And I just can't do that. Not again."

Elizabeth's shoulders slumped and she looked at Carson. She would let him if Carson did. "I understand, Rodney, but you need to rest and heal. We just got you back."

"Please, God, I'll beg! I need to go there. I can't sit here and wait." Rodney swallowed. "Carson, I can't sit here doing nothing. I can't. I can't have Radek come back and tell me they didn't make it."

Carson scrunched his face. "You... I can't... Damn it, Rodney! Fine, but I go with you." He shook his finger at the scientist. "And if I say 'Rest', you bloody well better."

"OK. Fine. Let me up. Oh, I need clothes." He snapped the fingers of his good hand. "And my laptop. You did keep my laptop safe, didn't you? You didn't give it to Zelenka or anything?" And as everything started to happen, he sat on the edge of the bed and covered his face with hands. Confident though his was, he was still afraid. He was leaving the safety of Atlantis. The thought terrified him. Anything could be out there, waiting for him. Big and Ugly were still out there somewhere. But for his team, he would do it. He would take care of the important things before he fell apart. Like rescue his family.

Rodney managed to keep from hyperventilating. Elizabeth had given him a look of sorrow and understanding when he'd demanded as many marines as the jumper could hold to guard them. After all, he'd told her, Carson wasn't really prepared for any kind of violent situation, and he still wasn't up to his normal, well, sub-standard standard. She'd called a team together. Just his luck it included Cadman.

He could admit in the privacy of his own mind that she wasn't that bad. She'd actually thrown her arms around him and told him she was glad he was back. He'd stiffened, feeling both uncomfortable and unreasonably terrified. To cover his reaction, she'd then made an appropriately sarcastic comment, and smiled. Surprisingly, he'd smiled back.

The trip was a horrible experience for him. He felt crowded and uncomfortable in the jumper. Every time some one moved, he flinched. He told himself that no one noticed, and even if they did, too bad. He was oddly touched, though, that none of the soldiers even blinked when he scrunched in the corner, putting as much distance as possible between them and him.

Their pilot-a new guy- (who seemed to resent being told he wasn't as smooth as Sheppard) landed as close to the site as he could. Rodney struggled out of the jumper muttering about the crutches Carson had insisted upon. He went as quickly as he could to the entryway. It was shielded, preventing radio contact. Sheppard's ATA gene must have triggered the defensive force shield. Everything else faded away as he pushed Radek to the side and involved himself in solving the puzzle.

A short time later, he was sweating and exhausted. But he knew how to fix it. "You, yeah, uh, tall redheaded marine. Go back to the jumper and get me the defibrilator."

"Rodney, what are you thinking?" Radek pushed his glasses up.

"In a minute. I need cables, metal wire. Something conductive." He looked up expectantly, but they just stared at him blankly. Except for Lorne and Cadman, who were smirking at him. "Are you people paying attention to the genius at all?"

One of the marines stepped forward. "We could contact Atlantis and have them send a roll of wire through the gate."

"Fine. Go, but hurry. This shield is not permeable." He sighed when only a few of them understood what he was saying. "That means they have a finite amount of air, so speed would be good."

Rodney busied himself with getting everything ready, he just needed the wire. He explained all his findings and readings to Zelenka and Lorne, who kept looking at him and smiling. Carson made him sit and rest. He drank some water, ate an MRE and finally couldn't help it. Glaring at Cadman and Lorne, who were still looking at him with a much too pleasant expression, he said, "What? Why do you keep looking at me?"

"It's just good to have you back, Rodney. We kinda missed being called idiots, you know." Cadman winked at him. He rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, and actually, I was thinking it would be so much more pleasant without Colonel Sheppard trying to pick up your slack in the 'terrorize your subordinates' department.." Lorne's eyes twinkled, then sobered. "Seriously, he's been pretty... uh, hard to work with? They'll be glad to see you."

Rodney didn't answer. He hadn't thought about actually seeing his team. Just about getting them out. He wasn't sure how he felt right now.

"Dr. McKay? I have the wire."

"Oh, right. Good, good." A hand was thrust in front of him, and he recoiled. Snapping his eyes up, he saw Carson holding out a canteen. His face flushed. He took the water. Carson was studying his face intently. "I'm fine, Carson."

"No, you're not, but we'll talk about it later."

"Yes, whatever. OK here's what I need you all to do..." He assigned various duties to everyone, but he had to double-check everything. He was so tired, he just wanted to sink to the ground and sleep. His knee pounded and his shoulder had started throbbing in a matching rhythm. The fingers on his left hand were aching. He was almost finished, though, so he gritted his teeth and kept working. Finally, he was satisfied. "Do it."

There was a shower of sparks, and a small explosion. The shield faded in and out, then disappeared entirely. Rodney wasn't in any shape to go into the cave, so he wobbled to the nearest tree and slid down. His knee was extended in front of him, his head drooped. Someone cleared their throat. He jumped andlooked up.

Zelenka crouched to his side, not near enough to crowd him but close enough to be heard. "Nice work. It is very good to have you back. If there is anything I can do...you can talk, or... What I mean to say is that I am your friend, and if you need me, I will be there."

"That's nice, Radek. Thank you." No, he wouldn't talk about anything to the little Czech. The man respected him, he wasn't going to tell him things that might change that. He made a sarcastic reply in his mind, but didn't voice it. No, he had learned the hard way that not every thought in his head had to be spoken.

He heard Major Lorne's voice first. "Colonel, wait, first let me talk to you! Teyla, please, just a minute!"

Carson was trying to grab Sheppard's arm, saying, "Please, listen to Major Lorne. We have to talk to you!"

"Lorne, I'm not staying another minute in there! And get Rollins the hell away from me!"

Rodney's position by the tree with Radek kneeling in front of him hid him from his team's view. But over the other scientists, he could see them. Sheppard was dusting his hands on his leg complaining about the scientist assigned to him. Teyla was trying to be diplomatic, complimenting the man- Rollins?- on his ability to remain calm. Ronin glared at everyone, his gaze sliding around the group of people there.

Radek shifted, and Ronon's eyes caught Rodney's. They stared at each other for a heartbeat, then Ronon roared. He jumped. Rodney would swear it sounded just like a lion. Most of the soldiers drew weapons, immediately dropping into defensive positions and aiming at the outside of the work area. Ronon rushed towards him and the others looked his way.

He was pulled to his feet and grabbed into a fierce hug. Ronon held him tightly, not saying anything. Rodney felt pain in every bone in his body, but he eventually gripped the big man just as tightly. Being held like this didn't bother him; Ronon was safety personified. He would never hurt Rodney. "Thought you were dead."

"Well, apparently not." Rodney swallowed. "I'm so glad you were mistaken."

"Jesus, Rodney!" Sheppard exclaimed.

He felt hands grabbing for him and panicked. He had to move away. He pushed away from them. "No, no. Wait. I need a bit of space." Miserable at ruining his reunion, he met John's eyes. Everything the pilot felt was revealed in his face. The shock at Rodney's behavior, the hurt that he'd jerked away from him, the joy that he was back. It was probably the first time Rodney had ever seen John look so unconcealed.

"I'm sorry. Really, I'm terribly happy to see you, it's just, well, I can't... I don't... You see...It's not..." He held out his hands helplessly.

"Rodney?" Teyla took a cautious step forward. He nodded, and she rested her hands on his shoulders. First, she did the Athosian greeting, placing her forehead to his. Then she surprised him by sliding her arms down and around his waist. She astounded him by placing a kiss on his cheek. "We are so glad you are safe," she breathed.

Rodney stood stiff at first, but gradually he relaxed into her embrace and lifted his arms around her shoulders. "I thought you were dead," was all he could think to say. "All this time."

"As you can see, we are well." She smiled and stepped away. Her eyes grew serious. "We looked for you, Rodney. We searched everywhere. We even offered a reward for information that might allow Atlantis to find you. I am so grateful that you are here."

John stood silently, and his stare finally started to unnerve the scientist. "What?"

"You look like shit, McKay." John's hands were clenched tightly around his weapon. A muscle twitched in his cheek. "Where've you been?"

Stuttering as he tried to answer without telling them anything, he said, "Is that what you say to me after all this? No 'glad to see you' or 'we missed you'? Hey, you didn't even thank me! You do realize that I had to drag myself from the infirmary to save you from death?"

Sheppard did that smirky thing, and shrugged. "We'll talk about that once you get _back_ to the infirmary."

Carson took the opportunity to interject, "Aye, you daft fool! You shouldna been here this long. Get to the jumper and you can visit with your team when you've been checked over and they have gotten cleaned up."

The ride to the jumper passed in mostly silence. Rodney stared at his team, seeing the little differences in them. It hadn't even been a year, but life in Pegasus changed you quickly. Teyla and Ronon appeared the least changed, the both had developed the bad habit of hovering. Sheppard looked a little older, more lines around his eyes and mouth. He seemed more tightly controlled, somehow. He kept his gaze locked on Rodney, his hazel eyes intense.

That stare made Rodney uncomfortable. Did he know? Could they tell? He was suddenly afraid. Would they think he was damaged in ways beyond repair? Maybe John didn't want him on the team anymore. What if they sent him back to Earth? He didn't want to go back to Earth! He was overwhelmed by panic. He couldn't breathe, and his head was spinning.

"Rodney?" Sheppard's voice was tinny like he was in an empty room. "Hey, Carson? There's something wrong with Rodney!" He met John's eyes and slowly felt the room spin away.


	6. Chapter 6

He heard the whisper of fabric first. Then the hum of machines. Where was he? His eyes opened. They felt gritty and swollen. What? OK, he was in the infirmary. Again. Why? Everything rushed back and he closed his eyes again.

"Now, Rodney, I know you're awake." Carson gently grasped his hand. "You should eat something. The mess prepared a lovely almost-meat loaf. And we have cake."

He looked around the infirmary. No one there but a few nurses, Carson and himself. "Everyone made it back OK, I see."

"Yes, and they will visit soon." Carson pursed his lips. "You need to talk to Kate, son."

"Of course." He sighed. Some things never changed. "I suppose she has to approve my leaving the infirmary."

"Well, in cases like these..." Carson trailed off. "She was pretty angry that I let you go off-world so soon."

"Cases like these? Rape and torture, or drug addiction and kidnapping?" Rodney was angry. "What makes you both think she can help? Hmm?"

"Rodney, I know you dislike seeing her, but I can't let you go unless she believes you can safely leave." Carson paused, looking uncomfortable. "She's just worried about your state of mind."

"Oh, what? She thinks I'm going to be suicidal?" Rodney waved his hand. "If I managed all this time without doing it, why would I do something so stupid now?"

"I don't think that's it exactly. I know you think you're fine, but you're not. You don't like to be touched, you can barely stand to be around more than one or two people, and you've been having panic attacks frequently." Carson wrinkled his forehead. "And that's not counting the physical reminders."

"Physical reminders. You mean the bruising and whatnot. Well, those will heal, and so will the rest of me if I can just go _back to work_!"

"Not until you've seen Kate." He held up his hand. "I'm not discussing this again. I don't want to physically restrain you, but you aren't ready to leave here, yet."

"Fine." Rodney hated the sulky tone in his voice, but he was just itching to get out of here. Didn't Carson see that it was like being chained to the cave/hut wall? "When do I get visitors?"

Carson looked over his shoulder and one of his nurses nodded. "You overdid it today, and I don't want you overtired. So I think just one, for now."

Sheppard came strolling into the infirmary. "Hey, it's about time you woke up."

Something tight inside him loosened. "That's right, because it's not like I had to work hard to rescue you or anything. Do you know how hot the sun on that planet was? No, you don't, because you were stuck in a cave."

"Yeah, thanks for that, by the way." He sat on the chair. "So, Lorne tells me some kids rescued you?"

"What? Oh, that's just so- No, I rescued myself. The kids just fetched Major Lorne." Rodney scowled. "And anyways, it's a good thing I did. Radek would have taken days to figure out a way to lower that shield. You'd have run out of air by then."

"I get it, already." John clasped his hands in his lap and leaned forward. "I want you to know we'll all, uh, be there for you. If, you know, you need... to talk.. or something?"

Rodney gaped at him for a second. "Why would you think I need to talk?"

"Well, geez, I don't know, maybe the fact that you were held prisoner and tortured? Maybe the fact that you were half dead? Or addicted to that enzyme?" Sheppard tilted his head to the side. "We went back to the planet, you know, but we couldn't find any sign of you. We kept searching the addresses stored in the DHD, though. We didn't leave you behind." He stopped, seemingly not having more to say.

"Ah, well, I didn't think you did. I thought you were dead."

"Really? Oh. Is that good or bad?"

"Um, I don't know." He didn't know how he'd have felt if he'd believed they had left him, what he might have done. On the other hand, mourning the loss of most of his family, well, that hadn't been pleasant, either. They shared a minute of silence, each lost in their own thoughts.

They both shifted as a nurse came in to check Rodney's vitals. He listened as Sheppard explained what had happened. They'd been captured, and finally escaped on a different dart. He gave him a rundown on all that had happened on Atlantis while he was gone- "Caldwell was a Goa'uld?" Rodney told him about the planets he'd been taken to. He didn't mention anything done to him. John had barely taken his eyes from him.

"So, the bruises don't look too bad, now." John said slowly.

"They still hurt. And my knee, God, I don't want to walk for a long time, unless it's to the lab. And my shoulder is killing me." He didn't say anything about any other injuries. But of course, he's the most unlucky man in two galaxies.

"Ronon thinks they...abused...you in a, ah, more intimate way?"

"You did not discuss this with Ronon!"

"Well, he brought it up. I just thought, you know, you should know you don't have to hide anything or whatever." Sheppard shrugged, looking extremely uncomfortable. "If you freak out-"

"You think I'm going to freak out over what, exactly?" Rodney felt his face getting red. "Do you think I'm going to have a nervous breakdown now that I'm safe? Or maybe I'll lock myself in a lab and slowly go insane? Crying and running from all the wonderfully horribly things the Pegasus galaxy has to offer?"

"I only meant," the soldier said slowly and emphatically, "that we can help you and you don't have to worry that we'll be weird with you if you get flaky."

"Flaky. Flaky?" Rodney shifted higher in the bed.

John winced. "I told Teyla she should do this."

"You talked to Teyla about this, too? What, did you send a newsletter out? Tell everyone over the PA, 'Doctor Rodney McKay was torture and raped. Be nice so he doesn't lose it?' " His voice became quiet. "Who else knows."

"Rodney, we're your friends."

"Who else?"

"Carson, Elizabeth, me, Ronon, Teyla, and uh, I think Radek and Lorne."

"Oh. Well of course Carson, and he'd have to tell Elizabeth." His mind ran through everything. "Since my pants were almost around my ankles, I imagine Lorne would know. Probably the marines with him. Ronon already thinks there's something wrong with me-"

"What the hell? Rodney, stop. Now. There is nothing wrong with you. Well, at least not that way." John glared at him. "What I mean is, no one thinks anything bad about you. Maybe you're not easy to get along with, and you belittle people all the time..."

Rodney stared at him. "Is that supposed to reassure me?" Then barely a whisper, "Are they going to send me back to Earth?"

"What? Where would you- No. I've talked to Elizabeth about this. She already sent a memo to General O'Neill telling him that if they try to take you back, they'll have an international incident on their hands." He let out a breath. "God, I'm so sorry we lost you."

"I wasn't lost. I was taken. Not the same."

"Yeah, but it was my job to keep you safe, and I didn't. Then I couldn't find you."

"Well, not that I don't wish you had, but that's just stupid. You are not responsible for what the crazy men did."

"You weren't, either."

Rodney watched John closely. He didn't seem to look at Rodney any differently than before. Maybe there was more guilt, but no disgust. "Well, as for the whole talking thing? I have to talk to Kate. So you're off the hook."

"Oh, well, that's good then." John finally looked away. "We're good, right?"

"Yes. Now please shuck the mantle of guilt you wear so well, and see if you can bring me my laptop. And cake." Rodney knew he wasn't good, but he and John were, so that was...good.

000000000

It was two days before Rodney finally left the infirmary. They let him go back to the labs after two weeks. He still flinched away from sudden movements, and he wasn't comfortable around too many people. Contrarily, he was also afraid to be alone. Carson and Kate were frustrated by his unwillingness to talk about the rapes. He skirted around that issue, though he did talk about Big, Mean and Ugly. They grew increasingly exasperated with his stubborn refusal to admit that he was emotionally scarred. He hated that. Rodney hated his sessions with Kate. She kept pushing him to express his feelings. As if that would make it all better.

And anyway, it wasn't as if he really thought it was his fault. He didn't feel guilt, not really. Certainly in the beginning, he was ashamed, and thought that he had been diminished somehow. And granted, he had been very worried that what happened had somehow been visible to everyone.

But his team was amazing. Ronon made sure he wasn't crowded. He even helped with difficult task like cutting his meat and made sure he had an extra dessert. And he made Rodney feel safe. He loomed in the background, sending that feral 'Don't come near us or I'll eat you' glare to everyone who wasn't on his 'OK people' list. Teyla made sure Rodney took care of himself, nagging- er, gently reminding him to eat, and telling Carson when he was exhausted from lack of sleep.

John kept him grounded. Surprisingly, he was the easiest company. Sometimes they would sit on a balcony and just stare at the night sky. They didn't talk often, but he let Rodney know he wasn't alone.

He gradually began to relax (as much as Rodney ever relaxed) and stopped noticing when the lab was full of scientists. After the first major crisis- one of the idiots who got his engineering degree by mail had mistyped the energy output parameters and caused an overload to a naquada generator- they had their first team movie night since he came back. He fell asleep, head resting on Sheppard's arm.

It was eight months later that Kate had finally cleared him for gate travel. They were going to visit a planet who'd sent out a call through their gate. Apparently, they were living in an Ancient city and had a shield. Taranis. One of the only planets advanced enough to use Ancient technology. Rodney was looking forward to meeting their scientists and getting the chance to look at the technology. Life was good.

the end


End file.
